Sunday, October 11, 2009

Looking Back

Lately I have felt that I need to reconnect with my past and the ways God has worked in my life. I have lost that part of me. And after church today I feel that I need to go back to that place....so here goes. My life completely changed when we found out that my mom had cancer. I never knew it would end the way it did. We all had so much hope that everything would be fine. We found out early November and by December my mom was in so much pain and completely not herself. My dad stuck by her side the whole time. She kept getting worse and worse and as time went on I had already lost my mom. She was not herself, she could not do anything, her quality of life was saddening. It is so hard to see someone you love, especially a parent, in such pain and poor condition, having her children take complete care of her. I am still amazed everyday that God gave me that feeling 2 days before she died. He gave me that feeling and I made sure to tell her I loved her. Those were the last words that I know she heard. The next time I saw her she was in ICU holding on just so we could say goodbye. I want to believe she heard the things we were saying and all of the love that was around her in her last hours. At that point in my life, I claimed to know God, oh how I was wrong. Losing my mom was the point that I leaned on God. At that point in my life, where you just hit rock bottom, that is all I needed at that point was the love of God. I needed understanding, love, strength, and guidance. And He gave that all to me. He gave me strength and love through the people He put in my life to help me get through this time. He gave me guidance to keep living but also to really LIVE. He guided my passion in life and what I wanted to do with my life. God IS and was so amazing! I still can not believe that I am where I am today. I just thank him everyday that He helped me get through the hardest time in my life and flourish from it. There are still so many hard times now with life transitions after losing a parent. My life is completely different and its hard. It's hard for every holiday to be different, every family function to be different, to see my dad dating and having a new life without my mom. I still feel very lost and more than anything I wish I could see my mom again...and I know I will someday. I know it is going to continue to hurt as life goes on. When I get married and have kids....she won't be there. But I know she will be there in spirit. 2 and 1/2 years ago my life pretty much started over...it's been hard but it has been the best part of my life. I have lived more in these 2 1/2 years than before my mom died. Because of her death...I came to know God and trust in Him. I know at times my Faith might not be as strong as I would like. But I know He will love me unconditionally. I have gone astray the last couple of months...putting other things before God and my Faith and that is something that I hated but could not help. I am at the point today that I know God is the center of everything I do and that the plan that He has for me is more important than anything that I could ever dream up. I need to start living that life again. With God at the center. Not as my #1 priority, yes he is the most important, but as the center. So that everything I do is centered around my Faith in God. These are my thoughts today and the struggle that I have tasked myself to work on during this next week...not that that will be as long as it takes. But this week I want to reconnect with myself, God, and my purpose that He has set for my life.

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